changing

sometimes it happens and you hardly even notice, other times you feel every stretch.

it aches and rips and forces you to question everything.

change is good. change is scary.

2019 was a lot of change.

i spent a large chunk of the year trying to get to the bottom of some medical issues i’ve been dealing with my whole life, and i don’t think i realized how demoralizing that entire process has been. it’s really hard to put yourself first, to pursue things when you feel like no one is listening. even with the only child stereotype of “it’s all about me,” i’ve always been a people pleaser. i like to say yes. i’ll say yes even when i don’t want to, when i shouldn’t.

 stacy can do it! stacy will do it!

this is how i felt the entire year, even if it wasn’t spoken, i felt it. and guess what?

i can’t!

i can’t do it all, i shouldn’t do it all, and i need to learn to respect my own limits.

i left a job (a home, an identity) i’ve had for nearly ten years. a place where i tapped into a part of me i always loved. i met incredible, hard working, strong, caring, creative women and men, and i built a comfort zone. to leave that is incredibly terrifying, and so emotionally draining. but in my attempt to put myself first, and do what i need to do for myself, i’m trying something new.

changing.

a whole decade has passed while i graduated high school, graduated college, explored far away places, built a community of people i hold tightly (and who hold me up when i need it), moved into my own home, and filled it with two kitties, a whole lot of plants, and a boy i hope never leaves. it didn’t happen all at once, and moving into a new year, a new decade, i’m pausing to remind myself.

for all the moments the change has hurt like hell, it has always transformed into something good.

…

new year, same me. same tendency to cry at almost everything. same face that will turn red all the time, and same wish to stay home instead.

but hopefully a little more love for myself, and the resolve to know when to say no.

for me.

…

*insert funny joke about 2020 and how i have terrible vision